How to deal with a partner who doesn’t like your friends

This is supposed to be a TV series about the largest, most beautiful homes in Los Angeles – but the people selling them often steal the show. The latest episode of Netflix’s reality series Selling Sunset, now in its ninth season, has sparked a debate about how to deal with a friend’s “toxic” partner.

Two of the show’s stars – real estate agents Chris Hull Stause and Emma Hernan – have been fighting on and off camera over Emma’s boyfriend Blake Davis, whom Chris Hull doesn’t like.

The incident broke out during the season finale reunion and sparked an online debate about how or even if it’s possible to stay friends with a partner you don’t like.

We talked to one woman who’s experienced this dilemma firsthand and two relationship experts about what to do in this tricky situation.

On the show, Stas, 44, said she never approved of Hernan’s relationship with Davis, a real estate developer. She claimed he “love bombed” Hernan early in their relationship and that there were “huge red flags.” love bombing Usually involves someone giving gifts, attention, and various promises to their partner.

Hernan told Netflix’s online publications She “doesn’t blame” Stause for trying to protect her, but she hopes Stause “steps back and realizes” how much love and support he has for her. She added: “I enjoyed my time with him… Everyone can say what they want to say – or they can love him or hate him. But at the end of the day, it’s who I choose to be with.”

Some of us may have experienced similar situations firsthand.

Hannah, who did not want to give her last name, told BBC News that she and her old friend Georgia (not her real name) had a falling out over a partner.

Hannah said Georgia “had a history of dating not-so-nice people” and moved out of London with a new partner who “proposed to her very quickly, I think within about a year”.

It felt like Georgia was “smitten with him” – Hannah said Georgia’s fiancé made sexual comments to Hannah the night before the wedding. “He came up to me and started telling me in a very vivid, explicit way all the things he wanted to do to me.”

She said the experience was “very uncomfortable” and “came out of nowhere.”

When Hannah told Georgia about the incident a few days later, Georgia “tried to play it down and said ‘he does this to all his female friends,’ and I tried to explain to her that what he said was very inappropriate,” Hannah said.

Relationship expert and counselor Anna Williamson, who is a dating expert on Channel 4’s Celebs Go Dating show, says trying to support a friend’s partner can be difficult if you’re worried about them.

It’s important not to judge or tell them what to do, she said. Judging your friends may cause them to act defensively, but finding the line between supportive and judgmental is a “real challenge.”

“We need to be very careful about compartmentalizing our emotions and not projecting them onto friends because they may not realize they are in a toxic relationship,” she told the BBC. “They may be carrying around shame and covering it up.”

She recommends starting a conversation with a friend by telling them something like this: “I care about you very much, but I wanted to check in because I’ve noticed that you seem to be stressed out lately.”

Williamson added that it’s important to “stick to the facts” and only discuss with them what you observed. She recommends avoiding phrases like “I really don’t like them,” “I think they’re toxic,” or “I think they’re abusive.”

Williamson says if you still want to see your friend but don’t want to be around their partner, proceed with caution. “I’d say, ‘I really care about you, but I need some space from your partner because I’m not comfortable with their behavior, but I really want to be with you.'”

She said it’s also important to make sure you have support around you, as caring for others all the time can be exhausting.

Yasmin Shaheen-Zaffar, a relationship and trauma counselor, said watching Selling Sunset created some tension with the cast talking behind each other’s backs and then confronting them about it afterwards.

Shaheen-Zafar told the BBC: “Avoid gossiping and talking about your friends or their partners with other people as this may stir up hysteria.” She said it was important to “keep yourself safe” because anything you say “could be taken out of context or used against you”.

What if you disagree with your friend’s partner’s views or values?

In “Selling Sunset,” Stas and Hernan argued over Davis’s political views.

Davis was originally scheduled to appear in Selling Sunset Season 9, but his scenes were cut after another storyline involving Hernan was deemed more relevant. It’s unclear if there were any scenes between Davis and Stause in which they disagreed, but Hernan denied that Davis expressed “political views” in front of Stause.

If you still want that friend to be a part of your life, ultimately you “have to respect the individual’s decision” and “try to be civil,” Shaheen-Zafar said. “I think we’ve developed a culture where if someone doesn’t agree with our ideas, we don’t like them,” she said.

She said she wouldn’t give such advice if someone was openly “bigoted,” but would give more advice if they simply had views you disagreed with. “It takes a lot of self-development and digging deep to understand and accept other people’s perspectives,” she adds.

Whether you can cope with a friend or partner’s conflicting views depends on what “aligns with your values,” she says.

Sometimes, your partner’s behavior can be too much for you to handle—and it can completely destroy a friendship.

After what happened with Georgia’s partner, Hannah came to the conclusion that if she chose to be with her friend, she would never see him again.

“I told her ‘I love you and the door is always open, but I can’t have him in my life’ – he was not a good, healthy presence and I felt very uncomfortable and scared,” Hannah added.

She said Georgia and she had not spoken since and that the end of the friendship “really hurt”. She said she and Georgia “had been friends for a long time and had a lot of fun together” – although in hindsight she ultimately wouldn’t have done anything differently.