Because accountability feels different to everyone

Two words I hear all the time: motivation and accountability.

From customers, readers, and people who want to be healthier but can’t seem to stay fit.

While they sound simple, both are actually…complicated.

When someone says, “I just need more accountability,” what they really mean can vary widely.

• Sometimes it’s about systems and structure.
• Sometimes it’s about clarity about your goals and how to achieve them.
• And sometimes, it’s about how we personally respond to expectations—both from ourselves and from others.

Because no single “system” fits all

If you have ever read books like Atomic habits by James Clear, The power of habit of Charles Duhigg, o Change from Chip and Dan Heath, you know that there are many frameworks for understanding behavior.

After 15 years of coaching, here’s what I’ve learned:

None of these systems are foolproof. None of them fully capture how complex people really are.

But that is not the point. Everyone is a lens. A new point of view that helps us see our habits and struggles differently.

And when you’re stuck, sometimes that’s exactly what you need: a fresh perspective that gives you a new way to approach things.

Enter the Four Tendencies

Several years ago, our entire coaching team read .The Four Tendencies. by Gretchen Rubin, and it provided some really key ideas that we’ve incorporated into our coaching program and how we think about helping people ever since.

The basic concept is this: people respond to internal and external expectations differently. To understand which expectations you thrive, and which are a struggle, you can work with your natural tendencies instead of fighting against them.

The most common trend we see is The Obliger.

Obligers are the glue of a team or family. They met out of expectations (deadlines, commitments, helping others), but resist internal those (self-care, personal goals, boundaries).

Sound familiar?

If you have ever said:

“I know what I should be doing… but I can’t seem to do it.” me,”

… you may be in this group.

One of our customers described it perfectly:

“Every bit of energy feels consumed by surviving my workday, meeting the needs of my family, helping with the needs of others… there is too little self-care and self-prioritization in my life right now.

I know I brought the situation on myself. I am wired to commit to things, to be involved, to want to be needed and valued and recognized. But it comes at a price. Questions from other people or things leave little for me.”

This is the Obliger experience in a nutshell.

And let me be clear, this is not about weakness or lack of willpower.

In fact, Obligatori are SO much done.

The problem is that they often sacrifice their goals to help others, which can lead to long-term health challenges.

How we help Obligers succeed

At Nerd Fitness Coaching, we help Obligers by providing three key supports: external liability, Dial Mode adjustments, and tracking wins how they accumulate to reinforce and reward their progress.

Here’s how you can translate those into your own practice:

• A coach or workout buddy who checks in on you and celebrates wins with you
• A checklist or .tracking system. which makes your progress visible
• Build a .Dial mode. – ie a plan for different types of days to be able to adjust accordingly and avoid burnout
• Reframing goals as something that benefits others—ie, “I’m exercising so I have more energy for my kids.”

As you will have noticed, many of those are about outsource your responsibility.

Here’s another fun tactic: write a letter from your future self to your current self thanking you for introducing yourself. This is exactly what clicked for my client Gina. When things got rough, writing that letter made him feel responsible for her future self (in a good way!). That simple change helped her stay consistent through a chaotic month.

The Hidden Danger: burnout and the “pause button”

Obligers often take too much.

Juggle a million competing expectations – deadlines, family, company, community.

And when it all gets too heavy, I tend to hit the big red time out button on some of those.

“I can’t deal with all this right now. I’ll be back later.”

Totally understandable. And in fact, it is an act of self-preservation. They can’t keep going at 100 miles per hour.

We often see people in this scenario trying to cut off all these external expectations with the hope that they will finally have time to focus on themselves later.

It seems logical, but it usually backfires.

Because Obligers actually thrive with some form of external accountability.

So the key is not to eliminate expectations. It is at taken care of them

Here are a few counterintuitive questions I like to ask to do just that:

What are the benefits of NOT moving towards goal X now?

And what are the consequences of continuing to move towards him?

By reversing the old “pro/con” list, we can get a lot of clarity about what feels good to you!

Great takeaway photo

Motivation and responsibility are not unique to everyone.

Understanding your “tendency” gives you a new lens – and using tools specific to your needs increases your chances of long-term success.

If you want to see where you land, you can take Gretchen’s free quiz here -> .https://gretchenrubin.com/quiz/the-four-tendencies-quiz/.

Let me know what trend you have! (I’m a questioner! 🙋‍♂️)

– Matt

PS Trivia: ~60% of the people we work with Nerd Fitness Coaching identify as Obligers. Everyone’s needs are different, so we design coaching around that did younot hacking of generic motivation. If that sounds like the type of structure you’ve been missing, I’d love to talk to you. Just reply to this email. ❤️